Shattered
by ThaliaAnderson
Summary: "Even if he could, Jace knew in his heart that if he didn't have Clary, he may as well have died. He needed her, even if he couldn't say so out loud." Songfic, based on "Shattered" -Trading Yesterday. During CoG, on Jace's walk before he sees Clary.


When Jace finally decided it was time to leave Amatis's porch, he turned away, not even knowing where it was he was headed to. He found himself sitting on a hill, overlooking Alicante. It was a gorgeous view. He smiled softly, turning to the side, mouth opening as if to speak.

But he closed his mouth again, realizing nobody was sitting beside him. He rested his head on his knees, pulled up to his chest, closing his eyes quietly.

That night at Renwick's, Jace had died a little bit inside. And every day after that, he died more every time he even looked at her. It wasn't fair. When Jace had seen Clary that first night at Pandemonium, when he saw the way that demon looked at her, he'd wanted to hide her behind him and protect her, do anything to ensure her safety. And when Simon had walked in and she'd gone with him, he was… angry. _He _wanted to be the one to leave that place with her; _his _arm around her shoulder, not Simon's. And then… she came to the Institute. He got closer and closer to her, unable to keep himself from falling harder. _To love is to destroy_. He believed it, still. But she… something about Clary made him wish it weren't so true. He could have reached out and touched a future with her. Finally–_finally_–he could be happy.

But, of course, Jace wasn't allowed to be happy. It was his destiny as a Shadowhunter–none of them could truly be happy, no matter how often they pretended, or wished they could be. In a few short seconds–in a few short _words_–Jace's world had been ripped apart. He was empty; hollow. Valentine, his own father, had stomped down on his dreams. But Jace didn't blame Valentine–how could he have known? How could he have known that those words, the ones that echoed in Jace's head every time he saw Clary, every time he even _thought _of Clary, would tear him to shreds?

_Clarissa is your sister._

It wasn't fair. The price he paid for wanting to know about his family was to lose _her_, to have to stop asking the questions he wanted answers to, even more desperately than to be given the truth about his family, where he came from.

_I love you. But… do you love me? _Could _you love me?_

Now, he wished he'd never asked. Wished he'd never wondered if his father was truly dead, if he'd ever see him again. It hadn't been worth the price.

Clary's face forced itself into his mind, as much as he wished it wouldn't. But another word came with the image. _Family. _As much as he wished, hoped, _prayed_ that it wasn't, loving Clary was forbidden. The things he'd felt that first time he'd kissed her–they tickled at the edge of his mind–that morning even, laying on the grass with her beside him. His stomach lurched. He shouldn't feel that way about family, let alone his _sister_. He wanted to hit something, punish himself for feeling this way. But the only real punishment that would make a difference to him would be forbidding himself to ever see her again. But he remembered her face when he'd yelled at her for coming to Alicante. Could he hurt her again? Could he look her in the eyes and tell her that he just didn't want to see her ever again?

Even if he could, Jace knew in his heart that if he didn't have Clary, he may as well have died. He needed her, even if he couldn't say so out loud. Even if he wasn't allowed to even _feel _such things without feeling like a monster.

Like the monster his father had created him to be.

Jace got to his feet, suddenly furious. The words that had been tumbling around in his mind suddenly spilled out. "It's not fair!" he shouted, secretly hoping that all of Alicante could hear his pain; hear his misery. He especially hoped that Sebastian, wherever he was, could hear him, too, and laugh in sick delight at Jace's feelings.

Before he hardly knew what he was doing, he was running, whipping past trees and branches, which left scratches along his cheeks and face. He didn't care what hit him, who saw him. It wasn't until he was standing in front of the Wayland grave site in the Alicante cemetery that he finally stopped running, stopping moving entirely. He broke down in front of the mausoleum, slamming his hand against the name he could hardly bear to read.

_Michael Wayland._

"This is your fault!" Jace cried out, glaring coldly at the stone building. He staggered to his feet, not caring if anybody heard him shouting. "I've grown up, believing I was _your _son, but I'm _not!_ I don't know who I even _am _anymore, and it's your fault! If only you'd stuck around a little longer, I would have known from the beginning I was Valentine's son! He wouldn't have been able to just pretend that he was you. I would have known! Maybe… maybe if I'd known from the start, I wouldn't have–˝ Jace cut off, choking on the words. He blinked, to realize he was crying. Jace couldn't even remember the last he'd cried. He fell to the ground, letting the tears splatter the grave and slowly turn the dirt around his knees to mud.

He gulped and leaned his forehead and arms against the cool stone. "Maybe… maybe I would never have fallen in love," he choked out. "I wouldn't have loved Clary," he stammered, slamming his fist against the name. "The only thing, the _one_ person I ever truly loved, ever _dared _to believe could love me _back_ is the one person I can't have!" He stared up at the sky, the dark clouds hanging overhead. "But I… I can't _stop_. I can't stop loving her." He sat back on his legs, burying his tear stained face in his hands.

That's how he'd been when Alec found him, alone in the graveyard, the sun hanging low in the sky. Someone said his name quietly, but it wasn't until the familiar hand came down on his shoulder did Jace look up. He stared up at Alec with red-rimmed eyes and dirt stained cheeks, caked with dried blood where branches had cut him. "Jace," Alec whispered, in a quiet shock. Alec had never seen Jace cry before. Because Jace hadn't cried since he'd been a little boy, who'd just lost his hunting falcon.

_To love is to destroy_.

Alec didn't say anything, just crossed his legs beneath himself and sat down next Jace on the ground. He stared at his feet as he spoke softly. "This is about Clary… isn't it?"

There was no use lying. Jace tried to nod, but he coughed violently, choking on tears. He cast his eyes toward Alec, his friend and brother. "I know it's terrible, and I know it's sickening, but… I can't help but love her, the same as I always have." His words came out in a strained whisper. Alec sat in silence, listening to Jace's words, though Jace knew he must find it all diseased. If Alec had been in love with Isabelle the way Jace loved Clary, Jace may have found it diseased himself.

"I just… I can't think of living without her," Jace admitted, wiping his eyes against his coat sleeves. "You must have noticed–˝ he looked at Alec briefly "–when she was around, I couldn't even think about anything. I had to protect _her_ and nobody else mattered. Not even…" Jace took a deep breath. "Not even you."

Alec sat still, seeming to freeze, remembering how Simon had been the one to save him from the Greater Demon, when, in another case, Jace had been the one to rescue him. It was his… his duty, as Alec's friend and brother. But Clary had changed that. But Jace couldn't help it, Alec knew. He'd seen him falling in love with her long before Jace himself even knew it. It was Alec's job to notice those things.

"Jace…" he trailed off, trying to find the right words. Jace looked up sullenly at him, blonde hair in disarray, his amber eyes seeming gray, depleted of color. "It isn't your _fault_. You… you can't help loving her. And… and I know that it's hard to hide those sorts of feelings–˝ Jace shot Alec an apologetic glance, but he looked away, refusing to meet his golden eyes "–and… you shouldn't _have _to hide them. Not if you feel that strongly. The real sickening part is that you would have to." He took a deep breath, hardly believing that he was saying the words. "If you love Clary, it shouldn't… it shouldn't matter that she's your sister. She… she should know."

Alec looked back up from the ground to see Jace staring, openmouthed at him. "You… you mean that?" he whispered. Alec nodded, offering a weak smile. "But…" his face fell, "…what about everybody else? Isabelle, your parents, Aline, Simon, even…" He took a deep breath. "…Even Clary finds it horrible."

"…She knows?" Alec said in surprise.

Jace bit his lip. "I've… I've never told her directly. But… it's hard not to see the way I look at her."

Alec frowned. "You're denser than I thought you were, Jace." When the golden-haired boy looked up in surprise, Alec smiled softly and continued. "Yeah, it's hard not to see the way you look at her, but it's also hard not to see the way _she _looks at _you._ I know… I know she cares about you–more than anyone. And you have a right to love her."

"But… everybody else–˝

"Screw everyone else," Alec said hotly. Seeing Jace's expression, he softened his tone. "Jace, I should know," he said quietly. "I know what it's like to feel like you have to hide away what you feel, especially when you can't _help_ but feeling it. Falling in love with your sister… it can't be worse than dating a warlock, right?" He offered a goofy smile that Jace couldn't help but return.

They sat in silence for a long while, just sitting and staring at the ground. Suddenly, Jace looked up, a thoughtful look on his face. "You know what I just realized?" he said, smiling softly.

"What?"

"Even… if I _had _known from the start that I was Valentine's son; if I'd known that Clary's mother was mine; I… I would have loved her anyway. No matter how things began, this outcome won't be any different. And I… I'm always going to need her." Jace got to his feet suddenly, steadying himself against the grave of Michael Wayland. Alec scrambled up and stood beside him, seeming to reach out, in case Jace needed help standing. "All these years, I didn't know who I was," Jace said, shaking his head. "I didn't know _what_ I was. And… and even though things will never be the same, there's still a chance, isn't there? This… this battle isn't over yet." He gave Alec his famous crooked grin. "There's still time for things to change, even if chances are slim that they will. The sun will _always _rise, and I've… I've realized that even if everybody else hates me because of what I feel and who I feel it for, if I have Clary…" he took a deep breath, "…if I have Clary, nothing else matters. Even if it meant leaving behind everything that I know. Even if it meant… even if it meant not being a Shadowhunter anymore."

Alec sucked in air quickly and let it out slowly. A month ago, he would have laughed if Jace had said he'd give up his Marks for something, knowing that he was just being Jace–sarcastic and witty. But somehow, Alec knew. Jace would give up anything if it meant being with Clary.

Jace gave Alec a quick salute, and turned as if to leave. "Where are you going?" Alec called and Jace turned and smiled.

"Tomorrow at midnight, we will either be locked in war with my own father, or we will have surrendered to his rule. Either way, this night… this is the last normal night of our lives. And I… I want to be with her for it."

Alec couldn't help but smile. He beckoned Jace back to him, and once he stood in front of the dark-haired boy, Alec reached into Jace's belt loop and pulled his stele up, holding it up in the moonlight. "Then let me at least heal your face. She might think you got into a fight or something." Alec smiled wearily, raising the stele to draw an _iratze_ over Jace's face. Jace smiled widely and waited patiently as Alec did so, and once finished, he called a thank you, jogging away from the cemetery, away from Alec, prepared for something that nobody would ever forgive him for.

Jace Morgenstern was going to tell his sister how much he loved her.


End file.
